The birth of Andy Williams was faced with some dread, because he showed all the signs of a still-birth. His vitals weren't responding, his eyes were wide-open and no one heard a sound from him. The doctors were astonished to find no movement or sound from a seemingly healthy baby, but then they were reassured when the baby broke wind at the appropriate time, when the doctor decided to take a closer look. It came to be known soon enough, when he had driven his parents to the end of their tether, and was sent to school in order to allow his parents to recuperate their way into temporary sanity, that he was a natural prankster.
Andy was an exceptional child - he had exceptional grades, exceptional creative talents and exceptional behavior. Of course, the only remark for exceptional behavior on his report card was from his Art teacher, Mr. Watson, who thought he was remarkable; partly because he came up with the most interesting ideas, but mostly because Mr. Watson was visually and audibly impaired and wasn’t aware of the havoc his prodigal student created in every class of his.
Victims of Master Andy’s abuses suffered symptoms including tennis balls glued to the pelvic region, trauma induced from the sight of blood squirting from his eyeballs(using packets of ketchup, strategically placed behind his hand), and stapling the nose shut from the tip as soon as a victim was asked to take a deep breath. His parents were appalled; his teachers were in two minds about the whole thing, because as far as they were concerned, he was doing incredibly well in his academics.
Andy was 15 when he discovered Sarcasm and Incredulity. He understood, for instance, that people would ignore facts that were bleeding obvious, and were very much ill at ease when they heard or experienced something they would never imagine themselves to do. Gullibility and Genuine Shock generated the inspiration for his shift from reckless behavior to patient, intelligent pranks. He went from being a creative delinquent to a devious genius; even though his pranks never slipped into genuine harm, as they did in his primary school days.
When Andy turned 17, he sent a comic sketch to some little known comedy show, which he called The One-legged Army Ghost, which entailed the adventures of the spirit of a crippled Sergeant Major, Lee G. W. Emory, who shouted orders at people all the time, but no one cared, because he was invisible and inaudible to them. Delighted at the success of the sketch, he decided to experiment more on people, for no financial reasons, just for, as he called it, societal imbalance.
“Hello… xxxxxx Chicken Home Delivery, can I take your order?”
“Yes, you may. I’ll have 5 Grilled chickens…”
“Five, Sir?”
“Yes, Five. Six Servings of garlic Bread. 11 plates of Chicken Wings. Hello, Are you still there?”
“…yes?….”
“12 Double Cheese Burgers with extra cheese. 7 Servings of Potato Wedges. 4 Large Cokes,18 Servings of Chicken Strips. One Caesar Salad. One Bun. Did you get that?”
“Uh, yes Sir…”
“Could you repeat the order for me, please?”
“Sir, You ordered Five Grilled Chickens, Six servings of Garlic Bread, Eleven plates of Chicken Wings, Twelve Double Cheese Burgers with extra cheese, Seven servings of Potato Wedges, Four Large Cokes, Eighteen servings of Chicken Strips, One Caesar Salad and... uh... One Bun…”
“Oh yes, add 2 baked potatoes as well…”
“Is that all, Sir?”
“Yeah. How much is this going to cost me?”
“That’ll be xxx Dollars, Sir…. Cash or Card?”
“Cash.”
“Could you instruct me on your location, Sir?”
“Sure… We need it at #10, Park Alley Road, Lillian Cove, Georgia…”
“WHAT???”
“What is it?”
“That’s 59 miles away…”
“And your point is…”
“We may not be able to deliver there, Sir…”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s 59 miles away, Sir.”
“Let me get this straight. You had an ad campaign boasting of being able to deliver anywhere, and you can’t drive 59 miles with my food? I didn’t ask you to take a plane and fly all the way to East Germany, now, did I?”
“No, you did not, Sir.”
“So how long is this going to take?”
“I’m going to have to speak to my supervisor…”
“By all means, go ahead…”
Five Minutes Later
“My supervisor informed me that it’ll take three hours, Sir”
“Three hours? What for? This is appalling service, mate…”
“I apologize, Sir…”
“Fuck the apology. All right then, how long is it going to take to get the order ready?”
“20 minutes, Sir…”
“Tell you what… When you get the order ready…”
“Yes, Sir?”
“Bring it to the parking lot. We’re parked in the third row, look for a black Cadillac. Thanks…”
Notes:
Project Title/Objective: To Surprise people who are Seldom surprised
Test Subjects: Old Women
Project Methodology: Seize handbags from unsuspecting oldhags women, make them run a while, stuff the handbag with loads of money, return the handbag, and run away.
A Week Later
Jailer: Name?
Andy: Andrew Samuel Williams
Jailer: Age?
Andy: 22
Jailer: Andrew Samuel Williams, you have been sentenced to Death by Electrocution, for conspiring and murdering Mrs. Edna Ivy Stonewall Firehouse Wilkins Hyndman Necrowart Robertson. Any last words?
Andy: Well, since you’re going to stick a piece of wood in my mouth, tie me to a chair, attach me to electrodes, cover my face - induce brain death first, then reduce my vital organs to pulp, how about I argue my case, even though I know there’s no point now?
Jailer: You may…
Andy: I might be able to do a whole lot of things quite well, but I think pranks were the only things that provided joy in my life.
Jailer: What about Murder?
Andy: What about it?
Jailer: Don’t you mean Murder was the only thing that you gained joy from?
Andy: Here’s the thing about Society. Society claims human beings make errors, so let’s make rules, regulations, and widely-accepted beliefs and customs to make sure we don’t err, ever. The thing is human beings make errors, irrespective of any thing we adamantly succumb to, because that’s one of the ways our evolved psyches learn about the world around us - through mistakes. For the moment, let's ignore senseless social prudence of suggesting that once human beings follow rules, they’re suddenly perfect and free from error; consider the irrational belief that getting rid of a bad example in society, or rehabilitating them, sets a clear path for humankind’s progress. All it really means is Society and Governance will exclude anyone with a different frame-of-thought, and exterminate even those functioning within the system who have come under fire for following the same rules as rigorously as they’re ordered to, yet come under certain human glitches - until the whole of humanity is left with ideologies and perspectives and actions very much like automated drones. I think we, as a species, commit to things that present generous room for error, not realizing how obvious it is, that the whole principle stating a perfect governing system is practically and logically sound, is flawed... Furthermore...
Jailer: What, exactly, is your point?
Andy: That the crime I was convicted for, was an accident.
Jailer: You’ve certainly chosen a bad time to try to convince anyone of that fact, haven’t you?
Andy: That’s as may be, but it was purely accidental. If anyone was responsible for that woman’s death, it was her Bullmastiff…
Jailer: Her what?
Andy: Her Bullmastiff. It’s a fucking dog…
Jailer: I don’t get it…
Andy: The plan was to sneak up on the woman, grab her purse, get her to chase me for a while, fill her purse with a lot of cash, fling it back at her and run.
Jailer: … why?
Andy: Ironically, for shits and giggles… And the expression of sheer bewilderment is fantastic...
Jailer: And you expect me to believe that?
Andy: For fucks sake, I’m about to be roasted alive in a few minutes. Why would I lie?
Jailer: All right then, this was your plan. What went wrong?
Andy: The dog. She let it chase me, so I let it chase me to this rather steep set of stairs leading to the subway. I knew if I could trip the hound over those stairs, I could run back to the woman, throw her handbag at her, and be on my way. It started to close in on me, rapidly...
Jailer: I see...
Andy: No, you do not. As soon as it got a firm grip on me, it started humping my leg. To extricate myself from this lust-driven bestial ordeal, I did something an individual rarely does to a dog.
Jailer: ... Which was...??
Andy: I bit it.
Jailer: What??!!?!!?!!?!!!!?!!
Andy: You heard me, I bit the dog. Which seemed to surprise it till I got back to my feet, probably because, whoever heard of a dog chewed on by a human... Then, this sexually-repressed mutt pounced on me again...
Jailer: So you couldn’t trip the dog?
Andy: Oh, I tripped the dog… It was the leash that screwed my intricate planning.
Jailer: The leash? Look, are we getting anywhere with this story? Or do you possibly think you’re capable of talking your way out of capital punishment?
Andy: Oh sure… I’m essentially going to bore you to death, and then you’ll let me go, to make me stop talking. Brilliant.
Jailer: Get on with it…
Andy: She caught up to us just as we reached the stairs. I assume this was possible due to her pet's rape-malfunction. And this fucking dog was fucking heavy mate… She tried to pull it back, and she was pulled down to crash into the stairs. The dog, needless to say, survived.
Jailer (sniggering to himself): Hilarious. Here, bite this…
Andy (in mumbles): This is a rather nice chewy piece of wood. Aren’t you going to put that hood on me?
Jailer: Here. See you in the afterlife, if there is one.
Andy (in mumbles): Sure. If there is one. Hey, how about… MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM….. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…. mmmmmm……
Jailer (to himself): Life has all the inner-workings of a joke. Perhaps that’s why even the most hopelessly, distasteful account fills us with glee, to some degree. I suppose we’re hard-wired for jokes in a really weird way. Life, has a weirdly wicked, sometimes sick, sense of humor.
END
Andy was an exceptional child - he had exceptional grades, exceptional creative talents and exceptional behavior. Of course, the only remark for exceptional behavior on his report card was from his Art teacher, Mr. Watson, who thought he was remarkable; partly because he came up with the most interesting ideas, but mostly because Mr. Watson was visually and audibly impaired and wasn’t aware of the havoc his prodigal student created in every class of his.
Victims of Master Andy’s abuses suffered symptoms including tennis balls glued to the pelvic region, trauma induced from the sight of blood squirting from his eyeballs(using packets of ketchup, strategically placed behind his hand), and stapling the nose shut from the tip as soon as a victim was asked to take a deep breath. His parents were appalled; his teachers were in two minds about the whole thing, because as far as they were concerned, he was doing incredibly well in his academics.
Andy was 15 when he discovered Sarcasm and Incredulity. He understood, for instance, that people would ignore facts that were bleeding obvious, and were very much ill at ease when they heard or experienced something they would never imagine themselves to do. Gullibility and Genuine Shock generated the inspiration for his shift from reckless behavior to patient, intelligent pranks. He went from being a creative delinquent to a devious genius; even though his pranks never slipped into genuine harm, as they did in his primary school days.
When Andy turned 17, he sent a comic sketch to some little known comedy show, which he called The One-legged Army Ghost, which entailed the adventures of the spirit of a crippled Sergeant Major, Lee G. W. Emory, who shouted orders at people all the time, but no one cared, because he was invisible and inaudible to them. Delighted at the success of the sketch, he decided to experiment more on people, for no financial reasons, just for, as he called it, societal imbalance.
*************************************************************************
“Hello… xxxxxx Chicken Home Delivery, can I take your order?”
“Yes, you may. I’ll have 5 Grilled chickens…”
“Five, Sir?”
“Yes, Five. Six Servings of garlic Bread. 11 plates of Chicken Wings. Hello, Are you still there?”
“…yes?….”
“12 Double Cheese Burgers with extra cheese. 7 Servings of Potato Wedges. 4 Large Cokes,18 Servings of Chicken Strips. One Caesar Salad. One Bun. Did you get that?”
“Uh, yes Sir…”
“Could you repeat the order for me, please?”
“Sir, You ordered Five Grilled Chickens, Six servings of Garlic Bread, Eleven plates of Chicken Wings, Twelve Double Cheese Burgers with extra cheese, Seven servings of Potato Wedges, Four Large Cokes, Eighteen servings of Chicken Strips, One Caesar Salad and... uh... One Bun…”
“Oh yes, add 2 baked potatoes as well…”
“Is that all, Sir?”
“Yeah. How much is this going to cost me?”
“That’ll be xxx Dollars, Sir…. Cash or Card?”
“Cash.”
“Could you instruct me on your location, Sir?”
“Sure… We need it at #10, Park Alley Road, Lillian Cove, Georgia…”
“WHAT???”
“What is it?”
“That’s 59 miles away…”
“And your point is…”
“We may not be able to deliver there, Sir…”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s 59 miles away, Sir.”
“Let me get this straight. You had an ad campaign boasting of being able to deliver anywhere, and you can’t drive 59 miles with my food? I didn’t ask you to take a plane and fly all the way to East Germany, now, did I?”
“No, you did not, Sir.”
“So how long is this going to take?”
“I’m going to have to speak to my supervisor…”
“By all means, go ahead…”
Five Minutes Later
“My supervisor informed me that it’ll take three hours, Sir”
“Three hours? What for? This is appalling service, mate…”
“I apologize, Sir…”
“Fuck the apology. All right then, how long is it going to take to get the order ready?”
“20 minutes, Sir…”
“Tell you what… When you get the order ready…”
“Yes, Sir?”
“Bring it to the parking lot. We’re parked in the third row, look for a black Cadillac. Thanks…”
******************************************************************************
Notes:
Project Title/Objective: To Surprise people who are Seldom surprised
Test Subjects: Old Women
Project Methodology: Seize handbags from unsuspecting old
********************************************************************
A Week Later
Jailer: Name?
Andy: Andrew Samuel Williams
Jailer: Age?
Andy: 22
Jailer: Andrew Samuel Williams, you have been sentenced to Death by Electrocution, for conspiring and murdering Mrs. Edna Ivy Stonewall Firehouse Wilkins Hyndman Necrowart Robertson. Any last words?
Andy: Well, since you’re going to stick a piece of wood in my mouth, tie me to a chair, attach me to electrodes, cover my face - induce brain death first, then reduce my vital organs to pulp, how about I argue my case, even though I know there’s no point now?
Jailer: You may…
Andy: I might be able to do a whole lot of things quite well, but I think pranks were the only things that provided joy in my life.
Jailer: What about Murder?
Andy: What about it?
Jailer: Don’t you mean Murder was the only thing that you gained joy from?
Andy: Here’s the thing about Society. Society claims human beings make errors, so let’s make rules, regulations, and widely-accepted beliefs and customs to make sure we don’t err, ever. The thing is human beings make errors, irrespective of any thing we adamantly succumb to, because that’s one of the ways our evolved psyches learn about the world around us - through mistakes. For the moment, let's ignore senseless social prudence of suggesting that once human beings follow rules, they’re suddenly perfect and free from error; consider the irrational belief that getting rid of a bad example in society, or rehabilitating them, sets a clear path for humankind’s progress. All it really means is Society and Governance will exclude anyone with a different frame-of-thought, and exterminate even those functioning within the system who have come under fire for following the same rules as rigorously as they’re ordered to, yet come under certain human glitches - until the whole of humanity is left with ideologies and perspectives and actions very much like automated drones. I think we, as a species, commit to things that present generous room for error, not realizing how obvious it is, that the whole principle stating a perfect governing system is practically and logically sound, is flawed... Furthermore...
Jailer: What, exactly, is your point?
Andy: That the crime I was convicted for, was an accident.
Jailer: You’ve certainly chosen a bad time to try to convince anyone of that fact, haven’t you?
Andy: That’s as may be, but it was purely accidental. If anyone was responsible for that woman’s death, it was her Bullmastiff…
Jailer: Her what?
Andy: Her Bullmastiff. It’s a fucking dog…
Jailer: I don’t get it…
Andy: The plan was to sneak up on the woman, grab her purse, get her to chase me for a while, fill her purse with a lot of cash, fling it back at her and run.
Jailer: … why?
Andy: Ironically, for shits and giggles… And the expression of sheer bewilderment is fantastic...
Jailer: And you expect me to believe that?
Andy: For fucks sake, I’m about to be roasted alive in a few minutes. Why would I lie?
Jailer: All right then, this was your plan. What went wrong?
Andy: The dog. She let it chase me, so I let it chase me to this rather steep set of stairs leading to the subway. I knew if I could trip the hound over those stairs, I could run back to the woman, throw her handbag at her, and be on my way. It started to close in on me, rapidly...
Jailer: I see...
Andy: No, you do not. As soon as it got a firm grip on me, it started humping my leg. To extricate myself from this lust-driven bestial ordeal, I did something an individual rarely does to a dog.
Jailer: ... Which was...??
Andy: I bit it.
Jailer: What??!!?!!?!!?!!!!?!!
Andy: You heard me, I bit the dog. Which seemed to surprise it till I got back to my feet, probably because, whoever heard of a dog chewed on by a human... Then, this sexually-repressed mutt pounced on me again...
Jailer: So you couldn’t trip the dog?
Andy: Oh, I tripped the dog… It was the leash that screwed my intricate planning.
Jailer: The leash? Look, are we getting anywhere with this story? Or do you possibly think you’re capable of talking your way out of capital punishment?
Andy: Oh sure… I’m essentially going to bore you to death, and then you’ll let me go, to make me stop talking. Brilliant.
Jailer: Get on with it…
Andy: She caught up to us just as we reached the stairs. I assume this was possible due to her pet's rape-malfunction. And this fucking dog was fucking heavy mate… She tried to pull it back, and she was pulled down to crash into the stairs. The dog, needless to say, survived.
Jailer (sniggering to himself): Hilarious. Here, bite this…
Andy (in mumbles): This is a rather nice chewy piece of wood. Aren’t you going to put that hood on me?
Jailer: Here. See you in the afterlife, if there is one.
Andy (in mumbles): Sure. If there is one. Hey, how about… MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM….. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…. mmmmmm……
*************************************************************************
Jailer (to himself): Life has all the inner-workings of a joke. Perhaps that’s why even the most hopelessly, distasteful account fills us with glee, to some degree. I suppose we’re hard-wired for jokes in a really weird way. Life, has a weirdly wicked, sometimes sick, sense of humor.
END
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